It's time for everyone's Year in Review.

Feeling grateful but anxious, appreciate my gal pals, I've learned from the past, lotsa photos... and how about a pep talk.

Illustration by Angel Chang

This is Essay #106.

NOTE! This will likely be too long for your email so open in the Substack app, OK? And THANK YOU for being a member of the Susan Speaks Community. We’re 11 months old now and I’ve made so many friends along this little writing journey. Love you guys!

It’s the time of year when the media share their obligatory “Year in Review” crap. You’ve seen it… the Top 10 Best Movies, the 20 Best Books, blah, blah, blah. So what about you?

What’s your “Year in Review” look like?

When I take a serious look at my life in 2024, I wanna mix another Manhattan.

But it sure as hell wasn’t as bad as 2021. Since my new subscribers are just getting acquainted, let me take you there first.

Photo by David Clode on Unsplash

Those of you who read Susan Speaks know 2021 really changed my life.

It was the year I learned things I never wanted to know.

The year that tested my resolve.

The year I discovered what I’m really made of.

The year that began with a forced reckoning of my partners death sentence of Stage 4 colon cancer. The ensuing whirl of doctors, nurses, paperwork, surgeries, insurance, home care, appointments, medications, COVID, weeks in the hospital, learning to change the ostomy bag, keeping my cool, crying by myself in hospital parking lot, managing hospice, the legal crap, the funeral home, the ex-wife, his sons… and my denial of the inevitable.

After he died in May 2021, I took a trip back to the Midwest to soak in the nurturing of my closest friends… to get some perspective, to answer the question of “now what”? The answer was keep moving forward.

I spent that summer finding a new apartment and moving from the space I shared with the only man who ever really loved and accepted me.

I called it “the next chapter”. That makes me want to vomit. 🤮

Then, I went through the soul crushing, disappointing, exhausting, exasperating experience of online dating.

Oh my God. 🤦‍♀️

Seriously, I’m too embarrassed to even write about it.

I put 2021 in a box and burned it.

But before I lit the match, I did choose to learn from the literal hell it was.

That’s why I’ve resolved to take those road trips we had planned before cancer got behind the wheel.

Next is 2022. A new tattoo. Travel. The farm. Picture taking. A fabulous Arizona trip. I always want to live wherever I visit.

2023? Museums. More picture taking. Cemetery wanderings. More travel. Groton, Mystic, New Cannan, New London Connecticut, Washington DC.

That brings us to 2024.

I drifted for awhile. I lost a big client. I discovered Substack!

Then came another rent increase. Gimme a break. 🙄 I could have made it work but….

…it seemed nothing in Philly was possible for the immediate future.

So, I moved back to Missouri.

Soldiering through the moving process, packing and unpacking those boxes- it felt like failure.

And, the moving company ended up breaking a leg off my loveseat. Bastards.

But… 2024 did prove I just can’t sit still. Not yet. There are many places to see. There are experiences to be had. Pictures to take. Wine to drink.

New humans who haven’t met me yet. Those lucky devils. 😂

So I traveled even more… I imagined Tim in the passenger seat, eating those god awful pork rinds he loved so much. Looking for the next coffee shop.

I took a super fast dip into Louisville. (Check it out)

There were several trips to Washington DC for art galleries, restaurants, and lots of photography.

Short excursions into Delaware and Maryland.

I chased ancestors and found them in unexplored cemeteries… my 5th in Pennsylvania, 6th in Indiana, 7th and 10th in Connecticut.

Grandfathers from top left Robert 5th, Joshua 6th, John 7th, Edward 10th

There were new music discoveries. (Thanks Geoff Anderson of

Sweaty Spice

.)

Lots of reading and learning… especially from writers on this platform.

Windshield time back to Philly to see all my pals, old and new.

And ending with six glorious weeks in Alaska. Simply magical.

2024 also made me realize that I can’t force myself into my only child’s life. She is healthy, happy, and busy with the solid family I couldn’t give her. She sends pictures of my grandkids, but there’s distance. There is no other family.

I’m on my own.

And, really, in the end, aren’t we all?

Listen, being alone doesn’t have to be a scary or sad thing. It actually affords immense freedom to do what I want, when I want, with the friends I’ve made who are deeper than real family. Like these women!

I see them & feel SO. MUCH. GRATITUDE.

I couldn't be more fortunate to have these women in my life.

They are very different from each other. But they’re all wildly smart, kind, diverse, and generous. And they get me.

2024 also brought me to my emotional knees as I watched my country continue to fall into racism and stupidity. The election devastated me… as it did with so many of you. America has become a hateful place. I’m trying to do my part resisting the fascism that some in my life I suspect voted for… and that suspicion breaks my heart. 😭

So hey, 2025? What’s in store?

Who the hell knows? My passport has been renewed. I’m thinking about extended stays in a more positive country. But I know this:

You only get one life. You must take care of your physical & mental health. There’s only so much time… and the time will never be ‘just right’. Do the thing you want to do, whatever that is. Like one of my gal pals always says, Drive Fast and Take Chances. 😂

ALSO, practice gratitude. There’s always something in your life you can thankful for. I value you, my online community, more than you can know. I always say, you are the “friends I’ve never met”.

So, it’s time to get up. Show up. Be aware.

Resist the Nazis. Stay informed. Do what you can to fight for our democracy.

And just be good to ALL people. We need each other more than ever.

Happy New Year. Love you all.