Susan, this column resonated with me in a big way. As the mother of three daughters, I have been through the incredible highs and devastating lows and finally a great therapist turned me on to Mel Robbins’ “Let them” theory … I’m working on it but it’s really hard. I’m going through a meat grinder right now and it really feels good to know I’m not alone. Holy shit, daughters can be critical. But so can I, I realize. I would so love to share a long conversation with you ( and a gallon or three of wine, but I quit drinking a couple years ago when it got ridiculous) and figure this out together. My 70s are not as easy as I thought they would be! But it’s nice to know we’re all in this together.
Thanks Susan. I’m working on putting myself first but it’s not going too well with three very different personalities to deal with. The challenges of raising children are significant, but the perils of adult parent-child relationships are epic!
Three daughters, three times the fun. 😂 Seriously, It IS hard. Hard to deal with the highs and lows, the hurt, the misunderstandings… I work on it daily and have just resigned myself to the situation. You are definitely not alone! I’m putting myself first, being positive and polite when we do talk which is almost never… texts now and then…I’ve learned you cant change people…so I quit trying.
So many of your experiences ring true. I woke up one day in the grocery checkout. The bagger boy said, “Ma’am, I’ll help you to the car and put your groceries in for you.” I said, “Thank you, I’m fine.” The look he gave me clearly said, “Really?!” He was so sweet that I said, you’re sweet to care—yes, come on and help me load the truck! I was older that day forward. But my brain was younger than the boy’s!” 😎
A few weeks back, someone at work opined that they wanted to return to their thirties. I said fuck that, but I do wish I had my 35 year old knees back.
Haha love that! I have one OEM knee and one robo. Works for me. It’s the freedom to not give a shit about almost everything. That leaves the remaining Shits for the important stuff that took 6 decades to learn. I wouldn’t go back either.
I think I’d like my 40’s better. And my right knee, and my left shoulder were so good then. HAHA! I was training and living life like there would never be a reckoning. But, TAH-DAH! It’s here now!
Our stories are shockingly similar. What I wouldn’t give to time travel to the past and change a few of the decisions I thought were right at the time, but cost me too dearly. And, there is the crumbling of one body part after another. Sigh. Hang in there, Susan!
Very good read Susan. Reading this, kept bringing me back to that old overwrought and over used cliche, “I wish I knew then, what I know now.” But it many ways it’s true. I think we can see some of, if not, a lot of you write here on ourselves. I know I do.
We're navigating life with what we have and have not done, trying to make sense of it all, right? I'm trying not to be too hard on myself because of the impulsive, dumb stuff I did in my young years... life is just too damned short to obsess over what you cant change. I wrote this because I realized no one ever told me about these three things when I was younger, and I might not have paid attention, but I might have. 🤷🏼♀️
You're not alone on the S.S. Aging! The thing is, my favorite big sister, who was a mom to me, had leukemia and died at 21. I was 13 and life got a lot worse before it got a bit better. But every year I get older, I celebrate making it another year, thinking what she would have given to live as long as I have. I age for both of us.🥰💝🦋
That line out of a Bonnie Raitt song, "Life gets mighty precious when there's less of it to waste." I'm so sorry about your sister, and evidently, that's what her passing taught you. Every day is a damned gift and we live with what the past dealt us. Tim taught me the real meaning of gratitude and thats made the difference for me.
How I would love to sit across the table and have these conversations with you, Kate.
Same-o, same-o, girlfriend! Here’s to truth-telling and blurting things that need blurting! I like getting old and blurty. And I adore geriatric cats, too, BTW. Well, geriatric doggos, too, just don’t have one at the moment. Just lost one of my old mister cats, though, and that sucked as I thought we had a lot more time, and of course, they hide it from us until they are like circling the damn drain, and then it’s too late. My best friend honestly of that past 8 years. The biggest stinker EVER, I almost named him Dennis the Menace. But I miss all his sass and mischief. He was never scared of anyone or anything, just welcomed everyone at the door like, “Hey! Hi, how are you? Come on in! Would you like a mojito?” 😹😸
It's breakfast time here and I almost gagged from laughing. 😂😂😂
I was way too blurty in my youth. What I remember now is so mortifying... however, I'm here now, tried to make amends with those I may have offended and now need to shake those memories out of my brain.
I'm now off to feed our geriatric dog, Sable....who's just the sweetest little biscuit. I told my friend in Philly I've been talking to the dog and watching Gilligan's Island. He said....GET BACK TO PHILLY NOW! 😂😂😂
I’ve been having these conversations more and more lately. Like in the context of knowing how, when, where and possibly even why things were done and said that made sense at the time, and then time itself turning things around and upside down and causing reevaluation.
I could go on and on here and bore you and everyone who reads the comments to tears. But it’s not for tonight. It’ll be when we sit across from one another at our fav place or at my house or wherever, and we can rehash this “I didn’t know how hard it was going to be as we age” thing. Because it IS, and not AT ALL helping that our political world is in the shitter. But, if hope goes, then so do we. So, I’m gonna stay at least a little hopeful, only if to save myself from the despair of the shitstorm of every day. All I can do is be grateful for all the steps, phases, painful learning experiences, and that it still continues…alongside my sisters in life and friendship. Thank you for yours.
“time itself turning things around and upside down and causing reevaluation.”
Thats the damned truth. At the time you think whatever it is or is happening is the right thing…and later, maybe years later, it bites you in the ass. I mean, who knows?? 😂
I’m so confused now. HAHA! And you are the last person who could ever be boring, my dear. Solving life’s great questions though is always better with a cocktail and a dear friend! 😘😘😘
From 'Ready! Fire! Aim!' to active, present listening—what an awesome journey of self-determinism, Susan! 32 years of making it happen and still leveling up. I see a lot of me in that piece.
🙏 every damn day it’s a new bit of self awareness. Grateful for today and just letting go of my past stupid stuff. I’ve had some helpful mentors and friends who guided me, too!
Yep, new, stronger prescription in my glasses, now wearing hearing aids (thanks kids for being noodges) and not getting any younger, but not sorry. Learned some hard lessons along the way. I think it’s made me more empathetic. My kids will make their own mistakes, but I’ll be around if they need me.
Every time I go see my doctor I hold my breath! Blood pressure meds at 60. Then cholesterol. Add some calcium. Asthma inhaler. Christ. Make it stop! 🤣🤣
But I am breathing, so there’s that! Looking ahead… if someone wise tried to tell me what I know now to be true, I likely wouldn’t have listened anyway 🤷♀️
When I saw the first one, "Empathy," I almost got my comment pen out to say, "But you have lots and lots of empathy from where I sit," but then you explained it as being a young person thing.
All I can say overall is very meta. Regrets. I've had a few.
Understatement of the century in my case. Seems to me like you're doing fantastic things with your time today. :-)
I think too much. Especially out here in the middle of nowhere. 🤣.
I would now like to stop evaluating my self worth with how much I get done in a day. But the dog got a bath so that’s something! Thanks Charles. You seem to get me. ✌️
I definitely relate to most stuff you talk about, for sure. Similar backgrounds, similar ages, it all fits! Although, I’ve ever lived on a farm. I’d think too much, too, if I did.
I talk to the dog and our elderly cats- a lot! 🤣. And with all due respect, when my bro is here, there are not of a lot of weighty conversations either. 🤷♀️
I think we all wish that we had a time machine that allows us to go back and apply our acquired wisdom to our younger selves. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Our only option is to pay it forward. Keep the young ones from making the mistakes we made. The trick is getting them to listen.
Susan, you can take my word for the fact that you are a good, decent, caring person. I’ve spent time with you that was so enjoyable, I’m looking forward to doing it again. We laugh a lot when we have lunch, we both care about our country desperately, that’s what drew us together in the beginning. We have gone far beyond patriotism, and now we are real friends. I understand your wondering about old age, I can tell you it isn’t for sissies, but in some very important ways it is ‘the golden years’. I have regrets too, but I have put them behind, and try every day to make someone else’s day better. You do that too, but I don’t think you’re aware of it.
Not for sissies! Yes! My grandmother was asked by her doctor “how are you doing”? She replied “well, I don’t think I’ll buy any green bananas”! 🤣. A sense of humor is vital to get through life. I’m so glad I met you and laughing with you is therapeutic!
Can’t wait to get back and see you. Been too long. Thank you for our friendship! 🥰
Susan Niemann: This is the writing of a very good, wonderful person.
You are giving.
You reflect on your relationships with people and, with the hindsight of wisdom, would do things differently, which would have sustained the loving relationship with your daughter and your son-in-law.
These are the foibles of a good person.
You have every reason to love the young, vulnerable Susan Niemann who did good all her life and was human enough to err.
Mel Robbins is speaking to the younger Susan Niemann.
If you erred, accept that.
My God, you are a human being.
You love and have always loved your daughter.
Your daughter sassed that she was not you.
Mother Nature meant for teenaged daughters to be this way. This was not, "Oh, God!" but "Thank God!"
For this means your daughter was then as now . . . normal and well developed.
A teenage and young independence from Mom or Dad is not a cause for worry but an evidence of normal development.
So long as the net result is, daughter makes mistakes, learns from them -- if slower than we like -- and on the whole leads a life that should enhance her love of herself.
That your son-in-law is more accepting is a victory.
And it says alot about your effort to heal relationships.
That your daughter is still distant means that reconciliation will be slow.
At least take small steps and you will end up satisfied you tried your best.
We are very imperfect. If you feel that your daughter loves herself and has a loving family life, you have done a good job, even with your foibles.
My God, I have so very many regrets, and weaknesses even after opportunities to grow in intellect.
You had a loving man. I hope you find such love again, you are so very good and worthwhile.
After Jake suffered from cancer and we lost him, you urge others to seek proper diagnosis.
You care for the rule of law, liberty, due process of law.
You show your empathy in wondrous, beautiful photography, for which you have an artist's gift.
You are good and lovable.
I am privileged, even through digital media, to have you as a dear friend.
Take care of yourself and your happiness.
You have many friends out here who take joy in your art.
As Professor Joyce Vance reminds us, "We are in this together."
Good advice Armand, you and Susan have had wonderful conversations. I have found the same, most mothers and daughters take a while to adjust. I think stepping away from my daughter at times helps her resolve her own issues. I see she sometimes has used me as a punching bag for her emotions. I have just learned it this year. I no longer open myself up to it.
It hasn’t been painless but she’s learning that it’s on her now. I won’t be around to blame, it’s all on her now. Hang in there Susan, you did what you could, the rest is on her.
I look at the effort young people put into trying to look cool and I admit to doing the same things myself when I was their age.
One of the benefits of being older is the feeling of freedom of not being encumbered by youthful vanity anymore. I just don’t give a shit about trivial things that used to matter.
Susan, this column resonated with me in a big way. As the mother of three daughters, I have been through the incredible highs and devastating lows and finally a great therapist turned me on to Mel Robbins’ “Let them” theory … I’m working on it but it’s really hard. I’m going through a meat grinder right now and it really feels good to know I’m not alone. Holy shit, daughters can be critical. But so can I, I realize. I would so love to share a long conversation with you ( and a gallon or three of wine, but I quit drinking a couple years ago when it got ridiculous) and figure this out together. My 70s are not as easy as I thought they would be! But it’s nice to know we’re all in this together.
Thanks Susan. I’m working on putting myself first but it’s not going too well with three very different personalities to deal with. The challenges of raising children are significant, but the perils of adult parent-child relationships are epic!
You said it, Mary Beth. Counseling helped me...I'm actually thinking about going back for a refresher. Wine isnt cutting it. 😆
Three daughters, three times the fun. 😂 Seriously, It IS hard. Hard to deal with the highs and lows, the hurt, the misunderstandings… I work on it daily and have just resigned myself to the situation. You are definitely not alone! I’m putting myself first, being positive and polite when we do talk which is almost never… texts now and then…I’ve learned you cant change people…so I quit trying.
HANG IN THERE!!! 💙💙💙
So many of your experiences ring true. I woke up one day in the grocery checkout. The bagger boy said, “Ma’am, I’ll help you to the car and put your groceries in for you.” I said, “Thank you, I’m fine.” The look he gave me clearly said, “Really?!” He was so sweet that I said, you’re sweet to care—yes, come on and help me load the truck! I was older that day forward. But my brain was younger than the boy’s!” 😎
I hear that so hard! (but not hard of hearing…yet). At least when I do get there it’ll be from a ZZ Top concert back in the day. lmao
A few weeks back, someone at work opined that they wanted to return to their thirties. I said fuck that, but I do wish I had my 35 year old knees back.
And no arthritis in my left hand
Haha love that! I have one OEM knee and one robo. Works for me. It’s the freedom to not give a shit about almost everything. That leaves the remaining Shits for the important stuff that took 6 decades to learn. I wouldn’t go back either.
Yeah…no to the 30’s.
I think I’d like my 40’s better. And my right knee, and my left shoulder were so good then. HAHA! I was training and living life like there would never be a reckoning. But, TAH-DAH! It’s here now!
Shit.
Our stories are shockingly similar. What I wouldn’t give to time travel to the past and change a few of the decisions I thought were right at the time, but cost me too dearly. And, there is the crumbling of one body part after another. Sigh. Hang in there, Susan!
Isnt that the truth! I would try to employ more tact and not blurt out stupid, awkward stuff!! 😂
Would we have listened if they told us? I don’t know! But we march on and support one another! Thank you for understanding, Cheri!
Very good read Susan. Reading this, kept bringing me back to that old overwrought and over used cliche, “I wish I knew then, what I know now.” But it many ways it’s true. I think we can see some of, if not, a lot of you write here on ourselves. I know I do.
We're navigating life with what we have and have not done, trying to make sense of it all, right? I'm trying not to be too hard on myself because of the impulsive, dumb stuff I did in my young years... life is just too damned short to obsess over what you cant change. I wrote this because I realized no one ever told me about these three things when I was younger, and I might not have paid attention, but I might have. 🤷🏼♀️
THANK YOU for being a friend, Peter!!
You're not alone on the S.S. Aging! The thing is, my favorite big sister, who was a mom to me, had leukemia and died at 21. I was 13 and life got a lot worse before it got a bit better. But every year I get older, I celebrate making it another year, thinking what she would have given to live as long as I have. I age for both of us.🥰💝🦋
That line out of a Bonnie Raitt song, "Life gets mighty precious when there's less of it to waste." I'm so sorry about your sister, and evidently, that's what her passing taught you. Every day is a damned gift and we live with what the past dealt us. Tim taught me the real meaning of gratitude and thats made the difference for me.
How I would love to sit across the table and have these conversations with you, Kate.
Have a great day! 💙
Same-o, same-o, girlfriend! Here’s to truth-telling and blurting things that need blurting! I like getting old and blurty. And I adore geriatric cats, too, BTW. Well, geriatric doggos, too, just don’t have one at the moment. Just lost one of my old mister cats, though, and that sucked as I thought we had a lot more time, and of course, they hide it from us until they are like circling the damn drain, and then it’s too late. My best friend honestly of that past 8 years. The biggest stinker EVER, I almost named him Dennis the Menace. But I miss all his sass and mischief. He was never scared of anyone or anything, just welcomed everyone at the door like, “Hey! Hi, how are you? Come on in! Would you like a mojito?” 😹😸
"Would you like a mojito?”
It's breakfast time here and I almost gagged from laughing. 😂😂😂
I was way too blurty in my youth. What I remember now is so mortifying... however, I'm here now, tried to make amends with those I may have offended and now need to shake those memories out of my brain.
I'm now off to feed our geriatric dog, Sable....who's just the sweetest little biscuit. I told my friend in Philly I've been talking to the dog and watching Gilligan's Island. He said....GET BACK TO PHILLY NOW! 😂😂😂
Hugs!
Love you, digital sister.
Love you right back! 😘
I’ve been having these conversations more and more lately. Like in the context of knowing how, when, where and possibly even why things were done and said that made sense at the time, and then time itself turning things around and upside down and causing reevaluation.
I could go on and on here and bore you and everyone who reads the comments to tears. But it’s not for tonight. It’ll be when we sit across from one another at our fav place or at my house or wherever, and we can rehash this “I didn’t know how hard it was going to be as we age” thing. Because it IS, and not AT ALL helping that our political world is in the shitter. But, if hope goes, then so do we. So, I’m gonna stay at least a little hopeful, only if to save myself from the despair of the shitstorm of every day. All I can do is be grateful for all the steps, phases, painful learning experiences, and that it still continues…alongside my sisters in life and friendship. Thank you for yours.
“time itself turning things around and upside down and causing reevaluation.”
Thats the damned truth. At the time you think whatever it is or is happening is the right thing…and later, maybe years later, it bites you in the ass. I mean, who knows?? 😂
I’m so confused now. HAHA! And you are the last person who could ever be boring, my dear. Solving life’s great questions though is always better with a cocktail and a dear friend! 😘😘😘
Back atcha, my friend 🩷💘🩷
Aging gracefully is all about perspective from the lessons we've learned, and the wonderful journey of life. And nobody promised us a rose garden!
True enough! It’s a shame we don’t have the capacity to learn those lessons a little earlier. 👍🏻
From 'Ready! Fire! Aim!' to active, present listening—what an awesome journey of self-determinism, Susan! 32 years of making it happen and still leveling up. I see a lot of me in that piece.
🙏 every damn day it’s a new bit of self awareness. Grateful for today and just letting go of my past stupid stuff. I’ve had some helpful mentors and friends who guided me, too!
glad you’re here Robyn! ✌️💙💙
Keep inspiring us 🙂
Yep, new, stronger prescription in my glasses, now wearing hearing aids (thanks kids for being noodges) and not getting any younger, but not sorry. Learned some hard lessons along the way. I think it’s made me more empathetic. My kids will make their own mistakes, but I’ll be around if they need me.
Every time I go see my doctor I hold my breath! Blood pressure meds at 60. Then cholesterol. Add some calcium. Asthma inhaler. Christ. Make it stop! 🤣🤣
But I am breathing, so there’s that! Looking ahead… if someone wise tried to tell me what I know now to be true, I likely wouldn’t have listened anyway 🤷♀️
I’m glad you’re here-thank you. 💙
Nor would I have. Remember The Who singing My Generation: “Hope I die before I get old”? Yeah, no thanks, too late anyway. 😂
Ha! 👏👏👏👏. On my death bed, I’ll ask for a Manhattan and a charcuterie board. 😘
😘 excellent
When I saw the first one, "Empathy," I almost got my comment pen out to say, "But you have lots and lots of empathy from where I sit," but then you explained it as being a young person thing.
All I can say overall is very meta. Regrets. I've had a few.
Understatement of the century in my case. Seems to me like you're doing fantastic things with your time today. :-)
I think too much. Especially out here in the middle of nowhere. 🤣.
I would now like to stop evaluating my self worth with how much I get done in a day. But the dog got a bath so that’s something! Thanks Charles. You seem to get me. ✌️
I definitely relate to most stuff you talk about, for sure. Similar backgrounds, similar ages, it all fits! Although, I’ve ever lived on a farm. I’d think too much, too, if I did.
I talk to the dog and our elderly cats- a lot! 🤣. And with all due respect, when my bro is here, there are not of a lot of weighty conversations either. 🤷♀️
Lol elderly cats 🤣
Ancient, actually.
That's awesome. Old, senile cats!
I think we all wish that we had a time machine that allows us to go back and apply our acquired wisdom to our younger selves. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Our only option is to pay it forward. Keep the young ones from making the mistakes we made. The trick is getting them to listen.
Susan, you can take my word for the fact that you are a good, decent, caring person. I’ve spent time with you that was so enjoyable, I’m looking forward to doing it again. We laugh a lot when we have lunch, we both care about our country desperately, that’s what drew us together in the beginning. We have gone far beyond patriotism, and now we are real friends. I understand your wondering about old age, I can tell you it isn’t for sissies, but in some very important ways it is ‘the golden years’. I have regrets too, but I have put them behind, and try every day to make someone else’s day better. You do that too, but I don’t think you’re aware of it.
Love you, lady! 🥰
Not for sissies! Yes! My grandmother was asked by her doctor “how are you doing”? She replied “well, I don’t think I’ll buy any green bananas”! 🤣. A sense of humor is vital to get through life. I’m so glad I met you and laughing with you is therapeutic!
Can’t wait to get back and see you. Been too long. Thank you for our friendship! 🥰
Susan Niemann: This is the writing of a very good, wonderful person.
You are giving.
You reflect on your relationships with people and, with the hindsight of wisdom, would do things differently, which would have sustained the loving relationship with your daughter and your son-in-law.
These are the foibles of a good person.
You have every reason to love the young, vulnerable Susan Niemann who did good all her life and was human enough to err.
Mel Robbins is speaking to the younger Susan Niemann.
If you erred, accept that.
My God, you are a human being.
You love and have always loved your daughter.
Your daughter sassed that she was not you.
Mother Nature meant for teenaged daughters to be this way. This was not, "Oh, God!" but "Thank God!"
For this means your daughter was then as now . . . normal and well developed.
A teenage and young independence from Mom or Dad is not a cause for worry but an evidence of normal development.
So long as the net result is, daughter makes mistakes, learns from them -- if slower than we like -- and on the whole leads a life that should enhance her love of herself.
That your son-in-law is more accepting is a victory.
And it says alot about your effort to heal relationships.
That your daughter is still distant means that reconciliation will be slow.
At least take small steps and you will end up satisfied you tried your best.
We are very imperfect. If you feel that your daughter loves herself and has a loving family life, you have done a good job, even with your foibles.
My God, I have so very many regrets, and weaknesses even after opportunities to grow in intellect.
You had a loving man. I hope you find such love again, you are so very good and worthwhile.
After Jake suffered from cancer and we lost him, you urge others to seek proper diagnosis.
You care for the rule of law, liberty, due process of law.
You show your empathy in wondrous, beautiful photography, for which you have an artist's gift.
You are good and lovable.
I am privileged, even through digital media, to have you as a dear friend.
Take care of yourself and your happiness.
You have many friends out here who take joy in your art.
As Professor Joyce Vance reminds us, "We are in this together."
Good advice Armand, you and Susan have had wonderful conversations. I have found the same, most mothers and daughters take a while to adjust. I think stepping away from my daughter at times helps her resolve her own issues. I see she sometimes has used me as a punching bag for her emotions. I have just learned it this year. I no longer open myself up to it.
It hasn’t been painless but she’s learning that it’s on her now. I won’t be around to blame, it’s all on her now. Hang in there Susan, you did what you could, the rest is on her.
Hear, hear, Armand! I second every word. 🎉💝
Kate Morgan Reade: You, too, are such a wonderful, caring person whom I love to befriend!
How did I almost miss this? Awwww, you are the best! I'm verklempt. 🥰
(As in "overcome with emotion" in the Yiddish-to-American English sense, not the German sense of "uptight." 🤣)
Isn't she...I sort of stumbled on Kates work and being a word geek, I just love it! You can always learn a little something new from Kate!
💗
Susan Niemann, Kate Morgan Reade: You both are the best!
I am crying. (And my dog is wondering whats wrong…😂)
You have no idea what an impact you’ve made on me… to say Thank you doesnt seem like enough. You’ve helped pull me up and out.
Your perspective has fortified me.
💙
Susan Niemann: Whew . . . THANK YOU!
I like that about your dog!! LOL!
You deserve this and much more.
Those around you are lucky to be with a deep person and one who truly loves.
Anyone who follows you knows, my words are spoken from the heart to a deeply thoughtful, good, good person, a wonderful woman.
That is saying no more than what you deeply deserve and is only a recognition of a wonderful, wonderful person.
If I were there, I would hug you.
God bless you, dear, good friend!
I look at the effort young people put into trying to look cool and I admit to doing the same things myself when I was their age.
One of the benefits of being older is the feeling of freedom of not being encumbered by youthful vanity anymore. I just don’t give a shit about trivial things that used to matter.
Oh, you hit the bullseye! 🎯 I love not giving a damn about all the stupid shit. Hello priorities, let's do something interesting instead!
You certainly have a point. I wish I had learned these things on a deeper level when I was younger.
Don’t we all and warning our kids is futile
*sigh. That is a fact, Kay-El.