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"I enjoy your perspective on the world. And I love your photographs.”
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If it is to be, it’s up to me. When I first heard these nine words, I thought… oh great, more motivational tripe.
But I travel the world alone, and these words have become my mantra. I have virtually no family, no siblings, no partner (I suck at being married🙄). No one is going to take my car to the shop. No one is going to fix the broken fixture or get the car washed. No one is going to save me.
It’s on me.
As an only child, there was tremendous pressure on me to excel. As you can see, I was reading the Wall Street Journal at a very early age. 😂
The single product of a manic mother and abusive father, I was by myself a lot. No sisters or brothers to blame or collaborate with when it came to fun or mischief. I depended on my imagination to entertain myself.
My mom must have taken this picture. She took the drawers out of an old dresser and I built a house for my Barbie, Ken, and Skipper. I made their “furniture” for all the little rooms & spent hours here. (Ken is on the patio.😂)
I learned at an early age that the only person you can truly depend on is yourself. That’s not necessarily sad… it’s just my reality.
Only children are a complicated bunch.
A lot has been written about only children. We tend to be overly sensitive, independent, perfectionists, ambitious, high achievers, and we need time alone. Man, all of that is me! I just assumed I could do or be whatever I wanted. No one told me I couldn’t start an ad agency. No one told me I couldn’t leave my Missouri roots and move across the country. No one told me I couldn’t write or take pictures. I just did it. I’m doing it.
But the perfectionist in me stole the joy of failure. Fear of failure is paralyzing, and extremely unhealthy. I would procrastinate, letting anxiety build, and then when I got it done, all I could see was where it could have been better. It has taken me forever to realize it’s ok to not be perfect. It’s how you learn and build confidence. If I have to be perfect from the start, why even try? I’m not as bad as some, I’m better than others. Learning to relax and enjoy the process of any endeavor has taken a long time. I wasted a lot of years chasing the elusive perfection. The most important thing is to try… and try again.
Unreasonable expectations
Trying to please an unreasonable father and support a depressed mother took its toll. I fell into a severe depression in my 30’s and I reluctantly took the leap into counseling. Driving to that first appointment, I felt like the ultimate failure. But, after the first session with an amazing professional, I realized I needed to adjust the way I thought about myself and stop trying to be everything to everybody. In typical ‘only child’ fashion, I read every book she gave me, took copious notes, and listened intently to her advice.
Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda
Women are especially hard on themselves and I think being an only child exacerbates the issue. I grew up constantly trying to please my parents, looking for their love and approval. An exhausting endeavor. My therapist told me to eliminate Should, Would, & Could from my vocabulary. These are words that induce shame and guilt and set you up for failure. I still check myself from using such detrimental words. It’s like learning foreign language. You have to practice your positive new language everyday until it becomes ingrained, until you release your tight grip on life and accept the special human you are.
Remember Stuart Smalley? (Here’s the link. It’s funny! I miss Al Franken.)
We’re all products of our past, good and bad. A life worth living requires effort and energy. Let’s pay attention to what we’re telling ourselves because often, it isn’t helpful to our happiness and success.
I’m ok with a table for one. If it is to be, it’s up to me, right?
So, tell me… what did I miss by not having siblings? If you’re an only child, how do you think it’s impacted your life?
Beautiful piece, Susan … I like getting to know you better. Your strength and confidence started early on, keeping yourself busy and happy. “If it’s to be, it’s up to me” is how I look at life now being a widow. Table for one, alone in the theater, solo traveler. Not easy at first, but I’ve learned and grown from it. “You’ve always had the power,” said Glinda the good witch… that’s what comes forth when we find ourselves having to do the hard stuff. I love your attitude and self reflection here… such an uplifting, joyful read! Love and hugs, my friend! You’ve got all of us here, btw… Substack is family! 🥰❤️
I’m the youngest of 5, though my closest sibling is 5 years older. I had a lot of people helping to raise me and spoiling me! I was also an “oops” baby, so my parents were a little older when I was born, and I had them all to myself when I needed them most. My oldest siblings and I had VERY different experiences growing up. I also spent a lot of time alone (seems impossible with 7 people in the house, I know) and learned to be content by myself.
I admire how you’ve preserved and made an amazing life for yourself. Though I don’t know you personally, I’ll say to you what I say to my perfectionist friends (I’m a recovering perfectionist myself), “I wish you could see yourself the way I (or others) see you. And what I/we see is an amazing human being.”