What a gem I have found your comments on Jeff T’s daily diatribes that I love so much. So today, I clicked on you and what a delight to read about myself through your words here!
Not an only child but so much younger than my older brothers that I grew up alone as they were off to the Vietnam war and other life bits when I was a child.
I love living and alone and taking as much me time in the quiet of my apartment as possible. I teach full-time at a community college, so I get more than my fair share of people and currently I’m enjoying my first summer “off” in my working life.
Great to see you have your own stack and I’m now a happy subscriber.
Hey, Dana! First of all, THANKS for being a subscriber! I decided to try my hand here at something other than advertising copy which is what I did for over 32 years. WHEW! Great to meet you...Jeff T has brought a wonderful bunch of people together - feel fortunate to be a part of it! And like you, I do enjoy my quiet time. It's necessary to recharge before going out in the chaotic world! Enjoy your summer off because you have certainly earned it! 💙✌️
Beautiful piece, Susan … I like getting to know you better. Your strength and confidence started early on, keeping yourself busy and happy. “If it’s to be, it’s up to me” is how I look at life now being a widow. Table for one, alone in the theater, solo traveler. Not easy at first, but I’ve learned and grown from it. “You’ve always had the power,” said Glinda the good witch… that’s what comes forth when we find ourselves having to do the hard stuff. I love your attitude and self reflection here… such an uplifting, joyful read! Love and hugs, my friend! You’ve got all of us here, btw… Substack is family! 🥰❤️
I’m the youngest of 5, though my closest sibling is 5 years older. I had a lot of people helping to raise me and spoiling me! I was also an “oops” baby, so my parents were a little older when I was born, and I had them all to myself when I needed them most. My oldest siblings and I had VERY different experiences growing up. I also spent a lot of time alone (seems impossible with 7 people in the house, I know) and learned to be content by myself.
I admire how you’ve preserved and made an amazing life for yourself. Though I don’t know you personally, I’ll say to you what I say to my perfectionist friends (I’m a recovering perfectionist myself), “I wish you could see yourself the way I (or others) see you. And what I/we see is an amazing human being.”
Sally, today has been rough and you've made it a helluva lot better. Thank you for your words and your kindness. Every day, I think we all need to remember we are unique and have something to offer, and its not easy growing up in a certain narrative, one we need to overcome to be content and satisfied. I really appreciate your sentiments and being here! ❤️
Five years IS a long time, Suellen! So I think you are right... it does change everything about the family dynamic and relationships. ❤️✌️ Appreciate that thought!
I’m an only child of an only child with an only child who has just one child (so far). We should talk! All of us (except the baby) were/are perfectionists, my mom had a doctorate and my daughter and I are doctors. Sometimes, that’s a good thing. There’s quantity and then there’s quality. I have no trouble being by myself. I had no connection to my dad’s family after my parents divorced when I was seven, and it’s only now I’ve discovered a few relatives and have discovered what it’s like to have siblings.
“I was given this life to be me and I alone am responsible to make it good. “
Words I live by.
That was my saving grace and still is. It wasn’t until I broke away from a family who always treated me like who I was, was wrong. I never felt like I was one of them. And they mocked me for it unless, individually they need something. I was only speaking to one of my sisters. We reconnected just before Covid. Her Sobriety brought up how awful she had treated me and she became the sister she never was to me. We were only a year apart. My home was off limits to anyone but his family because they cared to make sure they didn’t bring it to my husband who was slowly dying. My Sister called every week and we talked for a couple of hours about everything and anything and she learned empathy for how my life and my husband’s needs were my main priority. We had to miss my brother in law’s funeral in 2020. He was in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s and he caught Covid there. His wife my older sister was in the same home but in the assisted living section. She had a stroke years before and had to go in there when her husband needed a lockdown unit.
My other brother in law (my husbands best friend died (Cancer) in 2021. We had to miss his also. Then a month later my sister I had reconnected with had a cardiac event before, bled to death when she woke up and took her meds tripped and hit her head on her dresser. Her daughter found her the next morning. I was heartbroken because she had been the only one I had cared about. Even my husband cried because she had become a new person and she helped me to let off steam when I needed to about the other siblings. At her funeral after so many people said we were spitting images of each other, but had never met me. I do now talk to my brother as long as we don’t talk politics. (Trumper) I was at his home for the first time in 15 or so years a few weeks ago. His wife is a wonderful person and is responsible for us reconnecting. The other two will never be in my life until or if they change from the hot mess that they are. I rarely think about them because they are genuinely narcissistic and I don’t tolerate any of it.
So you see, having survived my mother’s suicide when I was 11. I will never stop loving her or stop missing her. My abusive and drunken father died when I was 20 and I don’t miss a damn thing about him. Which I believe is why I was separate from them all along because they hated my mom for what she did and laughed about and loved my father.
You can’t choose the family you have but you can outgrow them and they’ll resent you for your choice. I made the choice after reading everything I could and talked to two separate counselors to break away and be my own person. My husband died in 2022 on Memorial Day. We were married 45 years. He didn’t want a funeral just wanted to have his ashes with mine and our dog and cat tossed by our kids into the Rancocas Creek to drift out to the Ocean together I can’t think of anything better than what we chose and planned together.
May I just say that the drawer doll house was absolutely brilliant! So glad you learned to make lemonade with the lemons you were given in this life. My car made a funny noise yesterday, so I had that same thought, no one else is going to take care of that it's up to me!
I think the need to play and express myself, has been strong since childhood. My dad didnt know about this dollhouse...he wanted me to read, not play with dolls. But I found a way!
I also believe in having a good mechanic on speed dial! 😂😂😂 I hope that funny noise isnt an expensive one, Shire! ❤️❤️
Pretty sure it's rotors and brakes, so will not be cheap and I do hope the place I used to go is still in same hands…it’s thankfully been awhile since I've had to do anything beyond oil change and tires…good mechanics are precious…few and far between! I grew up a reader (no $ for dolls- first Barbie at 20 was a gag gift that I still have in box) and still a reader to this day! If you haven't read “The Lost Bookshop” by Evie Woods I highly recommend the escape it provides from (gestures wildly) most things presently icky.
Family's are fucked up. They involve humans. Broken parents create chaos, shame and self doubt. Trauma really fucks with our brains. We know this shit is wrong, but our brain tells us we have to ally with our abuser in order to survive. I grew up in large family. Everyone is fucking nuts. I used to hide in closets just to get away from the fighting. I would have given my teeth to be an only child. Being the oldest, I was the one who was emotionally parenting my parents. Now, all these years later, none of us have a relationship. As I stated before most of my family members are malignant narcissists.
I don't think the perfect family exists other than in a Netflix movie. Perfection is in the pictures you take. Perfection is the love of your words you share with us, so we don't feel alone in our own insane moments. Perfection is your compassion for humanity. You don't need to try anymore. You're already there. Love ya, sister from another mother. ❤️❤️❤️
I'm the oldest of four. My siblings and I shared a small house. Talk about chaos!! Perfectionists can make themselves miserable being perfect. That was great advice from your therapist.
That lady really changed my life. A nudge in the right direction can change everything! I know people who refuse to see a counselor who really should...they help you unlearn the unhealthy habits you were taught as a kid. Appreciate you, Charlie!
It was a treat getting to know you a little better, Susan. Being an only child has certainly shaped your view of yourself and the world. It will be interesting to compare notes. Though I was not technically an only child, I have concluded that there are many ways to be what I call an “only.” I was the only one of my kind in my family, much to the consternation and relief of my parents. I was not what they wanted or expected and so was a constant source of irritation. What to do with the horse crazy kid who would walk two miles one way to sneak into a stranger’s barn to talk to their horses? What to make of a kid who devoured six books a week, would dive into the neighbor’s pool uninvited because she believed she was part dolphin, and painted all four walls of the guest bathroom with scenes from the OZ books? I was a handful, as they say, but I was and am uniquely myself. Thank you for asking :-)
Thank you Susan. I am not sure whether to laugh or cry. I know my mother loved me but she really didn’t know what to make of the creative, half feral creature she birthed. I hope she is watching in spirit and thinking “Well what do you know.” As an aside I have learned that as long as I am true to myself, I am not really alone. There are always others who “get” me. I hope you feel the same as you are a wonder to behold as well. Hugs!
This is a beautiful post. And courageous. I was not an only child but, to my close relatives, the "golden child." That status provokes lifelong envy in those relatives. I am old now, living on Social Security and trying to make enough extra money from this substack to feel secure. Because of extraordinary and truly grotesque occurrences within my family, I am alone and know that "if it is to be, it's up to me!" and it gets scary part of every day.
I'm glad you find comfort and friendship with the people who read your posts. A good therapist along the way helps one learn better coping skills.
All the best to you. Your work here is real and appreciated.
Well, Carol, thank you so much. A good therapist can turn everything around. I am still grateful to her. We have to work hard everyday, I think, to feel secure and content. Nothing is guaranteed, right? Really appreciate you taking the time to read thoughts! :)
I’m wasn’t born an only but am now for all intents and purposes. Siblings, and for that matter all family members, are a crap shoot. You don’t choose them. I have heard innumerable stories of siblings divided by money, property, and inheritance issues. So to the only(s) out there, my heart goes out to you for your yearning. But there is another side you may not be aware of.
As an only I can see in me a lot of what you said. I have always said an only child is a lonely child. But at the same time it can make us stronger. Never felt smart never confident or overly successful. I lived up to my teachers comments of does not work up to potential. Woulda coulda shoulda.
We turned out just fine, Roger ! The pressure to be successful when you're an only child can be ridiculous...every day we have is a day to feel good about ourselves. ❤️
Whew 😥 I’m emotional after reading this Susan. I have the much of the same issues being very much alone. I grew up as well with an abusive father who suffered from huntingtons disease and wasn’t diagnosed until he was 50 the ten years from 40 to 50 were shear hell. The abuse was bad. Coming out of left many scars and issues with my siblings. I want to say thanks for sharing your story it really hit me and I’m sorry you went through that.
Oh, Peter! I'm sorry you also had a tough time. Families can be such a setup for hurt, cant they? What's that saying....You can pick your friends but you cant pick your family.... growing up, I saw other kids at school with seemingly normal, loving parents. I wanted that so much. But we survived, right? Thanks for reading. I appreciate it!
What a gem I have found your comments on Jeff T’s daily diatribes that I love so much. So today, I clicked on you and what a delight to read about myself through your words here!
Not an only child but so much younger than my older brothers that I grew up alone as they were off to the Vietnam war and other life bits when I was a child.
I love living and alone and taking as much me time in the quiet of my apartment as possible. I teach full-time at a community college, so I get more than my fair share of people and currently I’m enjoying my first summer “off” in my working life.
Great to see you have your own stack and I’m now a happy subscriber.
Cheers to you, Susan!
Hey, Dana! First of all, THANKS for being a subscriber! I decided to try my hand here at something other than advertising copy which is what I did for over 32 years. WHEW! Great to meet you...Jeff T has brought a wonderful bunch of people together - feel fortunate to be a part of it! And like you, I do enjoy my quiet time. It's necessary to recharge before going out in the chaotic world! Enjoy your summer off because you have certainly earned it! 💙✌️
Beautiful piece, Susan … I like getting to know you better. Your strength and confidence started early on, keeping yourself busy and happy. “If it’s to be, it’s up to me” is how I look at life now being a widow. Table for one, alone in the theater, solo traveler. Not easy at first, but I’ve learned and grown from it. “You’ve always had the power,” said Glinda the good witch… that’s what comes forth when we find ourselves having to do the hard stuff. I love your attitude and self reflection here… such an uplifting, joyful read! Love and hugs, my friend! You’ve got all of us here, btw… Substack is family! 🥰❤️
I’m the youngest of 5, though my closest sibling is 5 years older. I had a lot of people helping to raise me and spoiling me! I was also an “oops” baby, so my parents were a little older when I was born, and I had them all to myself when I needed them most. My oldest siblings and I had VERY different experiences growing up. I also spent a lot of time alone (seems impossible with 7 people in the house, I know) and learned to be content by myself.
I admire how you’ve preserved and made an amazing life for yourself. Though I don’t know you personally, I’ll say to you what I say to my perfectionist friends (I’m a recovering perfectionist myself), “I wish you could see yourself the way I (or others) see you. And what I/we see is an amazing human being.”
Sally, today has been rough and you've made it a helluva lot better. Thank you for your words and your kindness. Every day, I think we all need to remember we are unique and have something to offer, and its not easy growing up in a certain narrative, one we need to overcome to be content and satisfied. I really appreciate your sentiments and being here! ❤️
I think an only child must be pretty similar to what I was. I didn’t have a sibling for almost 5 years. That’s a long time and changes everything.
Five years IS a long time, Suellen! So I think you are right... it does change everything about the family dynamic and relationships. ❤️✌️ Appreciate that thought!
I’m an only child of an only child with an only child who has just one child (so far). We should talk! All of us (except the baby) were/are perfectionists, my mom had a doctorate and my daughter and I are doctors. Sometimes, that’s a good thing. There’s quantity and then there’s quality. I have no trouble being by myself. I had no connection to my dad’s family after my parents divorced when I was seven, and it’s only now I’ve discovered a few relatives and have discovered what it’s like to have siblings.
An only of an only with an only! Being doctors requires a lot of perfectionism I would think! Enjoy your new found family Carole! ❤️❤️
Thanks! I will, when I finally have time!😊❤️
“I was given this life to be me and I alone am responsible to make it good. “
Words I live by.
That was my saving grace and still is. It wasn’t until I broke away from a family who always treated me like who I was, was wrong. I never felt like I was one of them. And they mocked me for it unless, individually they need something. I was only speaking to one of my sisters. We reconnected just before Covid. Her Sobriety brought up how awful she had treated me and she became the sister she never was to me. We were only a year apart. My home was off limits to anyone but his family because they cared to make sure they didn’t bring it to my husband who was slowly dying. My Sister called every week and we talked for a couple of hours about everything and anything and she learned empathy for how my life and my husband’s needs were my main priority. We had to miss my brother in law’s funeral in 2020. He was in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s and he caught Covid there. His wife my older sister was in the same home but in the assisted living section. She had a stroke years before and had to go in there when her husband needed a lockdown unit.
My other brother in law (my husbands best friend died (Cancer) in 2021. We had to miss his also. Then a month later my sister I had reconnected with had a cardiac event before, bled to death when she woke up and took her meds tripped and hit her head on her dresser. Her daughter found her the next morning. I was heartbroken because she had been the only one I had cared about. Even my husband cried because she had become a new person and she helped me to let off steam when I needed to about the other siblings. At her funeral after so many people said we were spitting images of each other, but had never met me. I do now talk to my brother as long as we don’t talk politics. (Trumper) I was at his home for the first time in 15 or so years a few weeks ago. His wife is a wonderful person and is responsible for us reconnecting. The other two will never be in my life until or if they change from the hot mess that they are. I rarely think about them because they are genuinely narcissistic and I don’t tolerate any of it.
So you see, having survived my mother’s suicide when I was 11. I will never stop loving her or stop missing her. My abusive and drunken father died when I was 20 and I don’t miss a damn thing about him. Which I believe is why I was separate from them all along because they hated my mom for what she did and laughed about and loved my father.
You can’t choose the family you have but you can outgrow them and they’ll resent you for your choice. I made the choice after reading everything I could and talked to two separate counselors to break away and be my own person. My husband died in 2022 on Memorial Day. We were married 45 years. He didn’t want a funeral just wanted to have his ashes with mine and our dog and cat tossed by our kids into the Rancocas Creek to drift out to the Ocean together I can’t think of anything better than what we chose and planned together.
Good words to live by. You’re a strong lady and have certainly had more than your share of family ‘stuff’
Thanks for inspiring me! ❤️❤️
May I just say that the drawer doll house was absolutely brilliant! So glad you learned to make lemonade with the lemons you were given in this life. My car made a funny noise yesterday, so I had that same thought, no one else is going to take care of that it's up to me!
I think the need to play and express myself, has been strong since childhood. My dad didnt know about this dollhouse...he wanted me to read, not play with dolls. But I found a way!
I also believe in having a good mechanic on speed dial! 😂😂😂 I hope that funny noise isnt an expensive one, Shire! ❤️❤️
Pretty sure it's rotors and brakes, so will not be cheap and I do hope the place I used to go is still in same hands…it’s thankfully been awhile since I've had to do anything beyond oil change and tires…good mechanics are precious…few and far between! I grew up a reader (no $ for dolls- first Barbie at 20 was a gag gift that I still have in box) and still a reader to this day! If you haven't read “The Lost Bookshop” by Evie Woods I highly recommend the escape it provides from (gestures wildly) most things presently icky.
YIKES! Rotors and Brakes. Not cheap for sure. Thanks for the tip on The Lost Bookshop! Yes, we need an escape right now...too much ick! 😂
Family's are fucked up. They involve humans. Broken parents create chaos, shame and self doubt. Trauma really fucks with our brains. We know this shit is wrong, but our brain tells us we have to ally with our abuser in order to survive. I grew up in large family. Everyone is fucking nuts. I used to hide in closets just to get away from the fighting. I would have given my teeth to be an only child. Being the oldest, I was the one who was emotionally parenting my parents. Now, all these years later, none of us have a relationship. As I stated before most of my family members are malignant narcissists.
I don't think the perfect family exists other than in a Netflix movie. Perfection is in the pictures you take. Perfection is the love of your words you share with us, so we don't feel alone in our own insane moments. Perfection is your compassion for humanity. You don't need to try anymore. You're already there. Love ya, sister from another mother. ❤️❤️❤️
You're the best, Lisa. I feel the same way about you. The fact we survived is incredible! 😂 LOVE YOU, SISTER! 😘
Always rings true in life. You have an issue….you see wrongdoing….you see a person struggling, an animal in need, get off your ass and DEAL with it!!
Never say “see that!! SOMEONE needs to step up and fix that, help that person, rescue that dog!!!”
My word people!!! Show some courage FFS!!
Now more than EVER!!!
Wisdom from a militant Grandma!!!!
Elizabeth, yes, yes, yes! Thank you! 💙💙💙💙💙
I'm the oldest of four. My siblings and I shared a small house. Talk about chaos!! Perfectionists can make themselves miserable being perfect. That was great advice from your therapist.
That lady really changed my life. A nudge in the right direction can change everything! I know people who refuse to see a counselor who really should...they help you unlearn the unhealthy habits you were taught as a kid. Appreciate you, Charlie!
Not an only child but married to one. You are absolutely correct. Excellent post.
Two peas in a pod! 😂 Thank you Monica!!
It was a treat getting to know you a little better, Susan. Being an only child has certainly shaped your view of yourself and the world. It will be interesting to compare notes. Though I was not technically an only child, I have concluded that there are many ways to be what I call an “only.” I was the only one of my kind in my family, much to the consternation and relief of my parents. I was not what they wanted or expected and so was a constant source of irritation. What to do with the horse crazy kid who would walk two miles one way to sneak into a stranger’s barn to talk to their horses? What to make of a kid who devoured six books a week, would dive into the neighbor’s pool uninvited because she believed she was part dolphin, and painted all four walls of the guest bathroom with scenes from the OZ books? I was a handful, as they say, but I was and am uniquely myself. Thank you for asking :-)
And you turned out beautifully, Jena! ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Susan. I am not sure whether to laugh or cry. I know my mother loved me but she really didn’t know what to make of the creative, half feral creature she birthed. I hope she is watching in spirit and thinking “Well what do you know.” As an aside I have learned that as long as I am true to myself, I am not really alone. There are always others who “get” me. I hope you feel the same as you are a wonder to behold as well. Hugs!
This is a beautiful post. And courageous. I was not an only child but, to my close relatives, the "golden child." That status provokes lifelong envy in those relatives. I am old now, living on Social Security and trying to make enough extra money from this substack to feel secure. Because of extraordinary and truly grotesque occurrences within my family, I am alone and know that "if it is to be, it's up to me!" and it gets scary part of every day.
I'm glad you find comfort and friendship with the people who read your posts. A good therapist along the way helps one learn better coping skills.
All the best to you. Your work here is real and appreciated.
Well, Carol, thank you so much. A good therapist can turn everything around. I am still grateful to her. We have to work hard everyday, I think, to feel secure and content. Nothing is guaranteed, right? Really appreciate you taking the time to read thoughts! :)
I’m wasn’t born an only but am now for all intents and purposes. Siblings, and for that matter all family members, are a crap shoot. You don’t choose them. I have heard innumerable stories of siblings divided by money, property, and inheritance issues. So to the only(s) out there, my heart goes out to you for your yearning. But there is another side you may not be aware of.
As an only I can see in me a lot of what you said. I have always said an only child is a lonely child. But at the same time it can make us stronger. Never felt smart never confident or overly successful. I lived up to my teachers comments of does not work up to potential. Woulda coulda shoulda.
We turned out just fine, Roger ! The pressure to be successful when you're an only child can be ridiculous...every day we have is a day to feel good about ourselves. ❤️
Whew 😥 I’m emotional after reading this Susan. I have the much of the same issues being very much alone. I grew up as well with an abusive father who suffered from huntingtons disease and wasn’t diagnosed until he was 50 the ten years from 40 to 50 were shear hell. The abuse was bad. Coming out of left many scars and issues with my siblings. I want to say thanks for sharing your story it really hit me and I’m sorry you went through that.
Oh, Peter! I'm sorry you also had a tough time. Families can be such a setup for hurt, cant they? What's that saying....You can pick your friends but you cant pick your family.... growing up, I saw other kids at school with seemingly normal, loving parents. I wanted that so much. But we survived, right? Thanks for reading. I appreciate it!
We did survive Susan and I believe stronger for it.