This is Essay #151
My big mouth has gotten me into more trouble than I care to admit. See, I come from a long line of talkers... mom, Grandmother Nellie Lee, Aunt Kay. They all chattered incessantly to fill the quiet my grandfather had grown to appreciate when he was fishing or fixing something.
Good thing that trait was passed down to me because my career in advertising, sales, and voiceover made a lot of talking necessary.
And talk I did. š¤¦āāļø Sometimes I was brilliant. Sometimes I had to eat my words.
When I was just starting out in radio, my mouth and my loud enthusiasm were both running high. I just couldnāt shut the hell up because I was afraid Iād fail. My boss finally gave me some advice that I remember to this day:
Make your case, then be quiet because the first person who talks loses.
Early in my agency career, someone much wiser told me to ask people about their livesā¦ kids, hobbies, pets, etc, to put them at ease before a video interview. It worked. Most folks typically love to talk about themselves.
Even though that part of my life is over, people still tell me A LOT about themselves. My crazy (not in a good way) landlady used to corner me every chance she got and tell me ALL of it. And I mean, ALL of it. She sat in my apartment and cried as she related stories of past abuse. All I could do was nod my head and pass her a box of tissues. š¤¦āāļø
Or once, during an interview with a general surgeon, he related that time he was taking flying lessons, got sick, and threw up in his hands. He didnāt know what to do, so he swallowed his vomit. š³
OK, doc. Thatās enough.
Iāve heard stories of rape, assault, abortion, drug and alcohol abuse, religious cults, shame, alienated family members, arrests... you name it.
People āconfessā to me their deepest stories. I should be in the clergy. Just the thought of that makes me giggle. I love black and Sister Susan has a ring to it, doncha think?
And finally, Iāve learned to be a better listener.
Itās natural to want to jump in and share your similar experience.
But itās not about you.
Itās natural to want to āfixā whatever it is.
But they didnāt ask for that.
(Someone very close to me has a toxic trait of never acknowledging what I just said. I finish the thought and he immediately starts talking about something else. And it makes me crazy. I stop him and say: Did you hear what I just said? I donāt think he even knows heās doing it.)
Can you remember a time when people were this anxious, angry, and fearful for the future? Weāre all trying to make sense of our eroding society. And so I think itās necessary that we talk, get some buy in and assurances that weāre still part of a supportive tribe of people who careā¦ and will listen.
Listening is one of the loudest forms of kindness.
In this world, all we really have is one another. So maybe we need to treat each better. Listening with all of your being makes people feel seen and valued. You become instantly popular, too. š
Listen without prejudice.
Without thinking about what YOUāRE going to say next.
Listening takes time, patience, empathy, and understanding. I truly believe the greatest gift you can give someone is your undivided attention.
Itās like a hug without the physical contact.
In a world of over communication, no one seems to be hearing anything.
And I think itās time we start.
Just in case you want to know a little more:
ā¢Ā Harvard Business Review has a good piece here.
ā¢ From Psych Central, this is a good article.
Weāve got some new subscribers so, let me say how grateful I am you chose to spend a few minutes at Susan Speaks! Thank you. And if you enjoy what you find here, spread the wordā¦ itās free!
Or maybe a one time tip for a coffee here!
Love you guys! āļøš
Listening--deep listening--is an art form. You must set aside the voices in your own head screaming to jump in, talk over, disagree with the person who is talking. When I was a dean, one person had the floor at a time. When they were done speaking, then others could ask questions. Otherwise, it was total chaos. Hard to break bad listening habits. Thanks for the reminder!!
What? I didnāt hear you! hahahahā¦.just kidding Susan! As an elem principal back in the day-listening to both sides of a story was so important. Being kind was a theme we had at our school. You are so right-itās like a hug! Now more than ever we need to listen to all people and if possible āfixā what doesnāt quite seem right. Maga definitely needs to learn to listen and to be kind. Have a nice Saturday!