Staying positive is a lot of work.

I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted.

This is essay #112

More than ever gratitude is important… and it’s helping me cope. We’re creeping up on 3000 members of this community and you help me feel less alone in all the crazy. Thanks for being here… your support means everything! 💙

Instead of finding a bar to do some afternoon day drinking, I drove myself to the fitness center. The smarter decision.

Photo by Ryan De Hamer on Unsplash

The bank of TV’s flash mercilessly, and I find a treadmill that blocks CNN and Fox, choosing game shows and Gunsmoke to be in my periphery. I turn up my headphones to unacceptable levels to drown out my escalating depression.

I have dealt with depression most of my life. Good therapists helped me purge my father’s abuse and good drugs have made it very manageable, yet now and then, I free fall into that vat of dark emotional goo, get stuck for awhile and eventually crawl up and out. These random episodes are few, but when they find me, I go into zombie mode for a day.

It’s impossible to get away from the morbid display of bad human behavior.

It’s getting to me. Me! Little Miss Positive. 😂

Here’s the thing. It’s always been my nature for the glass to be half full. Maybe I get that from my grandmother, who always found something good in everything and everybody. So I go out of my way to be thoughtful and pleasant… hold the door, say hello, etc. To give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they will pay it forward.

Some do. More don’t.

We can debate all day about how American society found itself in this embarrassing and sorry state. Let’s face it… we’re a mess right now.

But I can only take so much, then I get annoyed and pissy. And I retreat.

It’s pretty obvious our shitty politics has everything to do with this. Everyone is suddenly an expert in winning an election, foreign policy, and how other people should live their lives. In reality, we need to leave each other alone.

Bro, why you so mad?

You mad cause some fat orange criminal told you to be?

I ask humanity: Aren’t you exhausted from all this angry bullshit? What is your self righteous behavior getting you? Cause the price of eggs and gas… and pretty much everything else isn’t going down. Then what? Is your blood pressure worth it? Maybe employ a new approach... it’s worth a try.

Humans have forgotten how to be thoughtful, kind, decent. Charles Bastille wrote a good piece called The End of Politics. In it, he said: “We are not fighting over political ideology — we're fighting for an ethical humanity and a core of basic human decency.”

Oh, hell yes. Nailed it.

American anger and frustration is simmering. I can hear it in the tone of voice. I can see it on faces. People are drowning in cynicism and distrust.

You can’t even enjoy a football game anymore.

“These referees make stupid calls to throw the game.”

Jesus. 🤦‍♀️ The Eagles won, ok? Leave it alone.

And let’s not even get started on the conspiracy crap.

I’m just sick of how humans are treating each other. It’s starting to affect MY well being. This piece, ‘Neighbor, Please Take Your Hate Sign Down’, is written by Walter Rhein on his stack “I’d Rather Be Writing”. It’s superb.

You can be a Republican. You can be a Democrat. You can be purple. But damn… why can’t you be a caring, decent, ethical person?

I would like to ask a racist member of the cult: Imagine you need a kidney transplant. You’re a white person. A kidney from a black person is available for you right now and will save your life. Do you want it?

Do I stay or do I go?

There’s nothing that would keep me from leaving America. No family, really. Nothing to hold me. I’ve been reading a ton about Americans abroad, visas, the language barrier, etc. Here’s a great link with a ton of information.

Photo by Luke Littlefield on Unsplash

I imagine a small apartment, within walking distance to a market and a train, where I can lose myself in a new culture, almost invisible. I can walk, write, eat, drink, and focus on adapting. I’m still young enough for an adventure and this is the year to start exploring a new country.

It feels like not only the demise of democracy, but the demise of a civilized society. Eroding with every mean spirited, unnecessary word and deed.

Thanks for being here. I appreciate this community so much.

Love you guys.